It was the ultrasound we had been waiting for, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a big head but what we really wanted was to know the sex of our second child. There was no box of balloons, no pink or blue cupcakes, no exploding confetti.... it was just me, my husband and the ultrasound tech in the room.
2 kids, that was what my husband and I had decided. This was our last.
I had always dreamed of the Million Dollar family, 1 boy and 1 girl and that would make me feel complete. We had an adorable sweet boy waiting for us to come home to tell him if he was going to have a sister or a brother.
I had convinced myself that I was carrying a girl, it had to be, this was my dream. Being the logical person I am (sometimes) I knew that there was a chance it could be another boy but I wanted a girl so badly that it just had to be.
We watched as the tech swirled around my belly looking for the perfect shots of our sweet baby and when it came to the end,
we quietly asked "what is it"?.
My heart was racing, I grabbed my husbands hand and squeezed.
It's a BOY!!!! I got a great big hug from my husband and I laid there in shock. Was she sure? Its not completely accurate I thought to my self. I pretended to be excited, not just for my husband but also for the tech so she wouldn't think I was a total nut job.
She wished us well, printed a few pictures for us and left the room. I wiped my belly clean in silence and grabbed my purse. We walked out of the room, down the hall, through the lobby and we made a turn down a hallway where there was no one.
My husband put his hand on my back and I began to cry.
There were so many emotions, so many thoughts. I was initially sad because I had to let go of a dream, no wedding dress shopping, no painting our nails together no mother daughter bond, the experience of having a child of each gender.
Then the guilt hit. How could I dare be upset, I had a perfectly healthy child growing in my belly, I was so lucky and soon I would get to meet my baby boy. What kind of awful human was I that I cared so much about the gender of my baby.
I cried all the way home and pretty much for the next 12 hours. I cried myself to sleep going back and forth from disappointment to guilt.
After a restless night I woke up and did the thing moms are not supposed to do, I googled my feelings.
Basically waiting for Dr. Google to tell me I was horrible person
and no one ever feels this way. I was wrong, what I actually found were articles after articles on gender disappointment. Other moms saying how sad they were to let go of an idea they had in their head and every single one felt the guilt.
I was relieved. I was normal, I still felt pretty crappy about my guilt, it was still looming over my head but I didn't feel alone.
I started thinking about the guys in my life, my brothers, my friends, my nephews etc. and the relationships they have with their brothers. How close they were, it would be a built in best friend for my eldest. From that moment my feelings started to change to joy and excitement. I couldnt wait to watch them grow up together. The visions of bunk beds, playing video games and street hockey started swirling and not to mention the money we would save on clothes, toys and shoes.
2.5 years later and I know I had two boys for a reason. I am a boy mom and I absolutely love it! Do I still wish I had a girl, sometimes but nothing makes me happier seeing my little guys bond and all the fun we have together.